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 Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni

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Lime
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PostSubject: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:12 am

In the year 20XX Dr. Wily was defeated by Megaman and the Robozena illness was eliminated until...

Chapter 0: Intro
Dr. Light: Megaman! Run don't fight it!
Megaman: *breaths deeply* No...gotta...*faints*
Dr. Light: Roll we must go!
Roll: MEGAMAN!
*megaman faints*
???: You guys are comin with us now that Megaman is dead.
???: Yeah so deal with it!
???: Can it!
???: HEY DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP OR I'LL MESS YOU UP!
???: Sssh here comes the master!
Master: Good I see Megaman is dead,plus, you captured his girlfriend and Dr. Light.
Master: My plan will not fail because theres no hero out there! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
As the world was in peril a tiny light of hope was shined in the galaxy.

Chapter 1: The Galaxy's Hope...Yellowman
???: Are you awake?
???: I think it didn't work.
???: Come on it HAS to work!
???: Shhhh! I think...he's alive!
*Yellowman opens his eyes*
Yellowman: Hey why am I at this beat up old kitchen and...why am I laying on a kitchen table?
???: Because Yellowman I created you at this spot!
Yellowman: Well...who are you?
Dr. Herb: Why im Dr. Herb!
???: Wow Dr. Herb I thought it would never work!
Dr. Herb: Especially when he's made out of mostly modern kitchen tools!
Root: Im Root, Dr. Herb's assistant...and im made out of cleaning products!
*Yellowman gets up*
Yellowman: Well this does'nt look like a place to live...its messed up!
Dr. Herb: Well we can talk about it later Yellowman you have much to learn.
Yellowman: Well can you at least tell me who did this?
Dr. Herb: Well the galaxy is under attack by a evil guy who is named: Vigera Vangoni
Yellowman: Well im ready to fight him!
Dr. Herb: You have to train first though Yellowman, but first...
*Dr. Herb puts a helmet on Yellowman's head, it has two blade like things sticking out the side*
Yellowman: Well then lets bring on the training!
Yellowman:(let's just hope the training area is better looking than this jacked up place)
END OF CHAPTER 1


Last edited by Lime on Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:32 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Because it needed more info)
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Smash The Echidna
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:30 am

Um...Did you just kill off Megaman and the rest of the main cast to bring in your fancharacterized versions of them? 'cause Thats what it seems like to me. Suspect

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Lime
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:14 pm

First of all no, second of all stuff will happen just read it plz
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Sun Apr 18, 2010 12:15 pm

Okay. But may I suggest putting a little more detail into it? Like using story format instead of script format?

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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Sun Apr 18, 2010 8:25 pm

When he gets into training it shows the world outside of Dr. Herb's kitchen
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Mon Apr 19, 2010 2:07 am

I can't wait to see more Lime.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:23 am

Sorry, but I gotta say, this is...crappy.


Everything is happening to fast.

You're using script format instead of story format. That=bad.

You're not explaining much of anything as you go on. People want to read about what the rooms are like
and such. describe. And what about the characters? First, even if most people know about Mega Man,
There will still inevitably be some people who don't. So you should describe what he looks like, his personality, WHO HE IS, what he does. And what about your own characters? That is especially bad. At the very least you could have explained something about their profiles. You can't just go jumping from one place to another like this. Even if you want suspense, you have to explain at least a little bit of what's going on. Take things at a slower pace.



Alright, I think I'm done.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:09 am

I would have to agree. I think you should tell how Yellowman was before this happened.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:50 am

Also, the first two chapters are WAY to brief to get a good idea of what's going on.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Mon Apr 19, 2010 7:45 am

Speedy The Hedgehog wrote:
Sorry, but I gotta say, this is...crappy.

I was going to say that when I first read this, but I thought the better of it.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:46 pm

If he's going to keep going at this rate of quality, I hope he doesn't continue.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:46 am

Just show us more about what happens before we meet Yellowman.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:09 am

Rhys the Hedgehog wrote:
Just show us more about what happens before we meet Yellowman.
That too.
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PostSubject: Re: Yellowman 1 The Vicious Virus of Vigera Vagoni   Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:09 am

It still doesn't make any sense.
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